Subject: Family » Children (Page 14)

Kids used to ask you where they came from – now they tell you where to go.

Children Murphy’s Laws

You don’t know what love is ’til you become a parent and fish a turd out of the bathtub for someone, then have to act positive about it.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Children Emotions Family Love

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Baseball Children Money Sports Wealth

Believe me… if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

Having kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

(1943 – ) comedian & actor
Children Family

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Children Family

Children should be heard, not obscene.

Children Murphy’s Laws

I never met a kid I liked.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Relationships

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50; so I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Entertainment Money

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Health

An ugly baby is a very nasty object – and the prettiest is frightful.

(1819 – 1901) English monarch of the United Kingdom
Children Family

You know who really gives kids a bad name? … Posh and Becks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children Communication Wordplay

I’m from Chicago, but I pay child support in Seattle; I’m just kidding – I don’t pay child support.

(1975 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Age Children Family Marriage Places

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Animals Children Dogs Family

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Children Communication Reading/Writing

With the birth of a child you lose two novels.

(1955 – ) Scottish writer
Books Children Communication Family Reading/Writing

For the parent of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into innings.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Children Family Parents

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family Parents

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.

Children Family

I can be President of the United States, or I can control Alice [his daughter], I cannot possibly do both.

(1858 – 1919) 26th U.S. president
Children Family

Baby: Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler.

Children Definitions Family