Subject: Family (Page 15)

I have the heart of a child; I keep it in a jar on my shelf.

(1917 – 1994) American writer
Children Science/Weather

To me life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Life

One time my whole family played hide and seek; they found my mother in Pittsburgh!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers People Self

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

It’s better to be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother.

comedian, composer & lyricist
Appearance Characteristics Mothers

You don’t know what love is ’til you become a parent and fish a turd out of the bathtub for someone, then have to act positive about it.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Children Emotions Family Love

There is a special bathroom in heaven for the father of girls.

Children Family

Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Family Relationships

I don’t think my family liked me… they put a live teddy bear in my crib.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Age Family Self Young

The ambition of every small boy is to wash his mother’s ears.

Children Family

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Family Happiness

I spent 10 minutes with her [my sister’s] four kids, and my ovaries tied themselves in a knot.

American comedian
Children Family

I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women; now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children Family

Having a kid is great… as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.

(1966 – ) American actor, comedian, screenwriter & film producer
Children Family

A boy becomes a man when he stops asking his father for an allowance and requests a loan.

Children Family

Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

(1888 – 1957) English priest & theologian
Children Family

I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Fathers Ugly

He would kill his own mother just so that he could use her skin to make a drum to beat his own praises.

(1864 –1945) Anglo-Scottish socialite, author & wit
Characteristics Insults Mothers

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Age Children Government Law Lawyers Young

Before he died my father told me he never really walked to school without any shoes.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Death Fathers School Situations

Never raise your hands to your kids… it leaves your groin unprotected.

(1919 – 2006) American comedian & actor
Children Family