Subject: Family (Page 16)

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Children Family Parents

Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s Not Your Fault

Book Titles Children

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist
Family Fathers Time War

Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, And that’s what parents were created for.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Children Family Fathers Mothers Parents

Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor & comedian
Family Relationships

My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don't really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she's been really helpful.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Divorce Family Marriage Parents

Moms Who Drink and Swear

Book Titles Mothers

Wrinkles are hereditary; parents get them from their children.

(1924 – ) American actress & singer
Appearance Children Family Parents

I am fond of children (except boys).

(1832 – 1898) English author, mathematician, logician & photographer
Children Family

For the parent of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into innings.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Children Family Parents

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

I’ve been like a mother to that girl. I’ve locked her in her room, told her she was fat, and once I even left her in a store!

(1958 – ) American actress & singer
Family Mothers TV/Movie Quotes

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Children Family Fathers

You might be a redneck if… your during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Education Family Mothers People Rednecks School

Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations Sleep

It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman.

(1824 – 1895) French writer
Children Girls People

I love little children, but they are like pinatas full of urine.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Children Family

So, I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend… and all of a sudden I’m thinking… oh, my God, I’m turning into my mother.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Family Mothers Sex Situations

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from… you heterosexuals.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host
Family Relationships

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Animals Family Parents

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Children Family Murphy’s Laws