Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 16)
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler
(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Children
Family
Parents
Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s Not Your Fault
Bunmi Laditan
Book Titles
Children
Toddlers
The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.
E.B. White
(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist
Family
Fathers
Time
War
Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, And that’s what parents were created for.
Ogden Nash
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Children
Family
Fathers
Mothers
Parents
Ignore
Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Jim Carrey
(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor & comedian
Family
Relationships
Grandparents
Hell
My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don't really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she's been really helpful.
Chelsea Peretti
(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Divorce
Family
Marriage
Parents
Moms Who Drink and Swear
Nicole Knepper
Book Titles
Mothers
Wrinkles are hereditary; parents get them from their children.
Doris Day
(1924 – ) American actress & singer
Appearance
Children
Family
Parents
Wrinkles
I am fond of children (except boys).
Lewis Carroll
(1832 – 1898) English author, mathematician, logician & photographer
Children
Family
Boys
For the parent of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into innings.
Earl Wilson
(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Children
Family
Parents
Little League
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children
Family
Situations
House
I’ve been like a mother to that girl. I’ve locked her in her room, told her she was fat, and once I even left her in a store!
Megan Mullally
(1958 – ) American actress & singer
Family
Mothers
TV/Movie Quotes
As Karen Walker on “Will & Grace”
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Children
Family
Fathers
Self-defense
You might be a redneck if… your during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Education
Family
Mothers
People
Rednecks
School
Homeroom
Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
Gumperson's – Corollary IV
Children
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Sleep
Energy
It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman.
Alexandre Dumas
(1824 – 1895) French writer
Children
Girls
People
I love little children, but they are like pinatas full of urine.
Blair Butler
(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Children
Family
Pinatas
Urine
So, I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend… and all of a sudden I’m thinking… oh, my God, I’m turning into my mother.
Sarah Silverman
(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Family
Mothers
Sex
Situations
Jelly
I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from… you heterosexuals.
Ellen DeGeneres
(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host
Family
Relationships
Heterosexuals
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
Billy Connolly
(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Animals
Family
Parents
Zoo
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Crane's Rule
Children
Family
Murphy’s Laws
Forbid
Get things done
Page 16 of 34
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