Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 16)
Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.
Jean Kerr
(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Children
Family
Babies
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite
(1950 – ) American cartoonist
Cathy
Emotions
Food/Drink
Love
Mothers
Work
Guilt
During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement, and wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over.
James Leemer
comedian & actor
Activities
Children
Sand castles
I didn’t hate my mother; it was an accident!
Raul Julia
(1940 – 1994) Puerto Rican actor
Mothers
TV/Movie Quotes
As Gomez Addams in “The Addams Family”
My daughter's tricycle said “Some Assembly Required” … it came in a jar!
Ray Romano
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children
Family
Problems
If the baby is happy, don’t try to make it happier.
Anonymous
Family
Proverbs
Baby
Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
Ed Byrne
(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Children
Family
I can always tell when the mother-in-law’s coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
Les Dawson
(1931 – 1993) English comedian
Family
Insults
Mother-in-law
Twits beget twits.
Van Dongen’s Law of Heredity
Family
Murphy’s Laws
Twits
Van Dongen
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
Dan Quayle
(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Children
Communication
Misspokements
Mothers
Bondage
Republicans
I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children
Family
Sex
Reportedly his response to a contestant on his TV show You Bet Your Life who said he had nine children
[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children
Family
Money
Taxes
I live near a remedial school and outside there is a sign that says, slow – children; that can't be good for their self esteem.
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children
Situations
Self-esteem
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake; he told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family
Fathers
Situations
Ice-skating
Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.
Maria Bamford
(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor
Age
Children
Emotions
Family
Depression
If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
Wynonna Judd
(1964 – ) American country music singer
Family
Mothers
[My mother] is the only woman in the world who makes gravy with the Rolaids crushed right into it.
Tom Magliozzi
(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
Cooking
Family
Food/Drink
Mothers
I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, “Wow, that’s awesome. You’re going to make a great single mom.”
Brian Posehn
(1966 – ) American actor, musician & comedian
Children
Family
Marriage
You might be a redneck if… you ever named a child after a dog.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals
Children
Dogs
Family
People
Rednecks
The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family
Money
Parents
Situations
Kidnapped
I love little children, but they are like pinatas full of urine.
Blair Butler
(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Children
Family
Pinatas
Urine
Page 16 of 34
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