Subject: Health (Page 12)

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir.


(1608 – 1661) English churchman & historian
Doctors Health

Hypochondriac: Someone who enjoys bad health.

Definitions Health

My wife has to be the worst cook; her specialty is indigestion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Health Wives

Fiber: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Age Definitions Food/Drink Health Old

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Sex Situations

The Resistance of Piles to Penetration

Book Titles Health

… expensive care

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Doctors Health Malaprops

Any dentist who says “This won’t hurt a bit” is lying through your teeth.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Health

You don’t get ulcers from what you eat; you get them from what’s eating you.

(1888 – 1960) Austrian writer
Health

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature; plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Health

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Clothing Family Health

My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette; we passed around six girls and one of them had VD.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Girls Health Old Women

Venereal Disease: Germs of endearment.

Definitions Health

What do you mean, heart attack? … You’ve got to have a heart before you can have an attack.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Health Insults

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Health Misspokements Speech

A man walked into the doctor’s; he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.' … The doctor said, ‘well don’t go there any more.'

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
Doctors Health

I fainted last night… luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Health Situations

I have been laid up with intentional flu.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Health Misspokements

They said he had neurosis of the liver.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Health Malaprops

You never have the right number of pills left on the last day of a prescription.

Health Murphy’s Laws Time

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Doctors Health