Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Health
(Page 12)
I have an inferiority complex, it’s just not a very good one.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health
Inferiority complex
Probably a torn
filament
right there in the kneecap.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Health
Malaprops
Ligament
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”
Larry Brown
(1940 – ) American basketball coach
Doctors
Health
Life
Therapy
In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg… but leukemia is worse still.
Ron Atkinson
English former football player & manager
Health
Misspokements
Sports
My health is good; it’s my age that’s bad.
Roy Acuff
(1903 – 1992) country music singer, fiddler & promoter
Age
Health
Old
I really don't like living there; I have to for health reasons; I'm very paranoid, and New York's the only place where my fears are justified.
Anita Wise
American comedian
Health
New York City
Places
Paranoia
I told my doctor I think my wife has V.D.; he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health
Marriage
Wives
Penicillin
V.D.
My problem, uh, is behind me now.
George Brett
(1953 – ) American baseball player
Health
Following successful hemorrhoid surgery
The doctor felt the man's
purse
and thought it was awfully low.
Anonymous
Health
Malaprops
Pulse
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas
(1914 – 1953) Welsh-born poet & writer
Alcohol
Food/Drink
Health
People
Self
Alcoholics
Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you’re not.
Professional's Law
Doctors
Lawyers
Murphy’s Laws
Punctuality
1. All the IVs are at the other end of the hall.2. There are two kinds of adhesive tape: the one that won't stay on and the one that won't come off.
Telesco's Laws of Nursing
Health
Murphy’s Laws
Adhesive tape
IVs
Half a psychiatrist's patients see him because they are married – the other half because they're not.
Arnold Glasow
(1905 –1998) American author
Doctors
Health
Marriage
Psychiatrists
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
(1926 – 2012) Irish comedian & actor
Health
Love
Marriage
Wives
Ambulance
Heart attacks
Chiropractor: A doctor who works his fingers to the bone… yours.
Anonymous
Definitions
Doctors
Chiropractor
If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday to any patient who considered his work important.
Bertrand Russell
(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Doctors
Health
Work
Holidays
He’s a fool that makes his doctor his heir.
Benjamin Franklin
(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Doctors
Fools
Health
Intelligence
Heirs
I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4½ minutes – when they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.
David Letterman
(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Baseball
Death
Health
Sports
Phil Rizzuto
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Beliefs
Health
Sin
This is one of the healthiest X-rays I’ve ever seen… but if we compare that with yours…
Frankie Boyle
(1972 – ) Scottish comedian
Doctors
Health
Unnerving things to hear
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Doctors
Health
Plants
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