Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Health
(Page 12)
Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.
Anonymous
Definitions
Health
Arthritis
Schizophrenia beats dining alone.
Oscar Levant
(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Health
Wordplay
Schizophrenia
Do you think that suppository is gonna be safe from me there, Edith?
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Health
Misspokements
TV/Movie Quotes
Suppositories
If medicine has made so much progress in the last 30 years, how come I felt better 30 years ago?
Alex Karras
(1935 – 2012) American football player, sports announcer & actor
Health
Medicine
Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it.
Kenneth Dodd
(1927 – 2018) British comedian, singer & songwriter
Health
Stockholm Syndrome
Cured yesterday of my disease, I died last night of my physician.
Matthew Prior
(1664 – 1721) English poet & diplomat
Death
Doctors
Health
Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? … because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.
Anonymous
Health
PMS
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication
Health
Alcoholism
Disease
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
Anonymous
Health
Surgery
Vasectomies
Doctor: The only man who hasn’t a guaranteed cure for a cold.
Anonymous
Definitions
Doctors
Health
I'm beginning to have morning sickness… I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Health
Morning sickness
I'm the boy in the bubble without the bubble.
Jimmy Pardo
(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Health
Allergies
[Chickenpox] is the only disease that says,‘You know what, we did our thing once and now I’m out of here forever, peace.’
Aziz Ansari
(1983 – ) American comedian & actor
Health
Chickenpox
My doctor gave me two weeks to live… I hope they're in August.
Ronnie Shakes
comedian
Death
Doctors
Health
Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
Nick DiPaolo
(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host
Beliefs
Health
Religion
AIDS
Televangelists
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Health
Time
Hospital
Nurse
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better; but don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
Doctors' Law
Doctors
Health
Murphy’s Laws
Appointments
The only cure for a real hangover is death.
Robert Benchley
(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol
Death
Food/Drink
Health
Hangovers
Psychology: The care of the id by the odd.
Anonymous
Definitions
Health
Science/Weather
Psychology
This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.
Richard Lewis
(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health
Smile
Some hospitals are so crowded that the only way you can get in is by accident.
Anonymous
Health
Wordplay
Hospitals
Page 12 of 25
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