Subject: Marriage (Page 2)

Don’t forget Mother’s Day; or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Alimony: the ransom the happy pay to the devil.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last forty years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex; last night, she called me from a motel.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

To my darling wife – roses are red, violets are blue, Valentines Day is consumerist rubbish, don’t you have some ironing to do?

(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor

My wife’s not too smart; I told her our kids were spoiled… she said, “all kids smell that way.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Marriage is a mistake every man should make.

(1898 – 1981) actor, singer, songwriter & movie producer

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Wedding License: A certificate that gives a woman the legal right to drive a man.

Rejoinder: Married his ex.

A woman’s mink coat represents the sacrifice of a lot of little animals, including her husband.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

Marian Jordan (1898 – 1961) American radio comedian (of Fibber McGee & Molly)

Bigamy is the only crime on the books where two rites make a wrong.

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives; the first one left me and the second one didn’t.

(1956 – ) English actor

A woman I know is engaged to a real golf nut.  They are supposed to get married next Saturday…but only if it rains.

Marriage isn't a word… it's a sentence.

(1894 – 1982) American film director, film producer & screenwriter

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host