Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Marriage
(Page 2)
Divorce: A splitting headache.
Anonymous
Definitions
Divorce
Marriage
A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did.
Edgar Watson Howe
(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Marriage
Men
People
Women
Proposals
We have a good time together, even when we’re not together
‘Yogi' Berra
(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Marriage
Yogi-isms
Speaking about his wife
You know you’re getting older when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along
Jacob Braude
Age
Marriage
Old
Wives
Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so big if God had been his wife.
P.J. O'Rourke
(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Marriage
Wives
Satan
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.
Anonymous
Marriage
Wives
My last boyfriend gave me a piece of coal, and he told me that he would marry me when it turned into a diamond from all the pressure.
Wendy Liebman
(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics
Marriage
Diamonds
Pressure
Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Marriage
Money
Work
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress
Divorce
Emotions
Love
Marriage
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed; and if you really want to stay married, get two.
Ray Romano
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Marriage
Cantaloupe: Gotta get married in a church.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Cantaloupe
You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.
Bob Hope
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age
Divorce
Insults
Marriage
Zsa Zsa Gabor
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
Honoré de Balzac
(1799 – 1850) French novelist & playwright
Marriage
At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t; the trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Ann Landers
(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Marriage
Parties
Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.
Alec Baldwin
(1958 – ) American actor & producer
Age
Marriage
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jack Donaghy in “30 Rock”
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Emotions
Husbands
Love
Marriage
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking; it’s called marriage.
Sam Kinison
(1953 – 1992) American comedian
Marriage
Money
I’m from Chicago, but I pay child support in Seattle; I’m just kidding – I don’t pay child support.
Ty Barnett
(1975 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Age
Children
Family
Marriage
Places
Chicago
Child support
Last week I planned my husband’s funeral; he hasn’t died yet, it’s just what I do when he annoys me.
Sameena Zehra
comedian & actress
Husbands
Marriage
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Characteristics
Husbands
Marriage
Wives
Forgives
Why go out for milk when you've got a cow at home.
Ed O’Neill
(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage
Sex
TV/Movie Quotes
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
Page 2 of 36
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