Subject: Marriage (Page 21)

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after; Forty is when you watch the TV during; Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.

Entertainment Marriage Sex Television

Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher and untied by a lawyer.

Definitions Marriage

It's clear to see who makes the pants here.

Malaprops Marriage

Monogamy: A marriage system in which subscribers are requested to return one wife before taking another.

Definitions Marriage

My wife gets all the money I make… I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Marriage Wives

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Conflict Marriage War

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Marriage

The bride’s family sat on this side, and the groom’s family sat on that side ’cause of the restraining order.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Marriage

American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced.

(1864 – 1943) English writer
America Divorce Husbands Marriage

And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages; you get married, and every night, it’s the same sex.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Marriage Sex Wordplay

I told my doctor I think my wife has V.D.; he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Marriage Wives

The first one’s the hardest, then you know the routine.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress
Divorce Marriage

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Marriage Memory Problems Sex Wives

Alimony: A splitting headache.

Definitions Marriage

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.

typographer
Emotions Happiness Marriage

One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

Sex again Peg? … we’ve been married seventeen years now; can’t we just be friends?

(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Honeymoon: The vacation a man takes before starting to work for a new boss.

Definitions Marriage

When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it's a wonder there isn't more of it done.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Conflict Husbands Marriage Wives

Marriage = Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Marriage

Sex drive—a physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Marriage Sex