Subject: Money (Page 14)

I remember sitting down with the Rockets and saying, 'Yeah. I'm going to retire.' They said, 'Well, we'll give you $9 million.' And I said, 'You got a pen on you?'

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball Money Sports

I’m opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Money Opinion Wealth

People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.

(1925 – 1980) British comedian & actor
Money

I need money… I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Money Wealth

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was so poor I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Food/Drink Money Poverty Young

Bank failures are caused by depositors who don’t deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Misspokements Money

I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year.

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
Marriage Money

I learned more about the economy from one South Dakota dust storm that I did in all my years of college.

(1911 – 1978) U.S. vice president & politician
Government Money Science/Weather

Anybody who plays the stock market not as an insider is like a man buying cows in the moonlight.

(1797 – 1879) American businessman & speculator
Activities Money

Find out the cost before you get in.

Money Murphy’s Laws

He once gave Gracie a coupon for a year’s subscription to a magazine as a gift – and all she had to do was fill it out and send it in with a check.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Frugal Money

In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to ‘Until debt do us part.’

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
Marriage Money

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Money

I live in a two-income household… but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Family Money Mothers Travel Work

Inflation: When nobody has enough money because everybody has too much.

Definitions Money

I got a $290 parking ticket today… my car only cost $240.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Autos Money Things

Only have a nervous breakdown if you’ve got loads of money, and then you can really enjoy it.

(1955 – ) English composer, singer, songwriter & producer
Health Money Situations

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.

American stand-up comedian
Marriage Money Shopping Wives

No matter how little money and how few possessions you own, having a dog makes you rich.

Animals Dogs Money Wealth

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Money Places Politics

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money Parents Situations