Subject: People (Page 104)

As blushing will sometimes make a whore pass for a virtuous woman, so modesty may make a fool seem a man of sense.

(1667 – 1745) Irish satirist & essayist
Characteristics Fools Intelligence Men People Women

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.

American comedian
Men Relationships Sex Women

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron… and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance Girlfriends People

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil… I don’t know how much she charges him though.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Girlfriends People

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

(1936 – ) television talk show host
Entertainment Money People Television

I didn’t know whether to break up with my girlfriend or take a break, so I planted weed in her purse and called the cops. Now I have 30 days to figure things out.

American comedian
Girlfriends Relationships

Woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
People Relationships Women

To last as long as I did with the skills I had, with the numbers I produced, was a triumph of the human spirit.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Baseball Self Sports

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist is a man who hopes they are.

(1834 – 1928) American attorney for Cornelius Vanderbilt
Characteristics People Women

I don't have any tattoos or piercings yet, but I do have a cold sore I've been ignoring.

(1959 – ) American comedian, actress & singer
Characteristics People Self

Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen.

(1943 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance Body People

You might be a redneck if… you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Marriage People Rednecks Relationships

Dancing is a wonderful training for girls, it’s the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it.

(1890 – 1957) author & journalist
Activities Dance Education Girls Men People Women

I’m really no different than anybody else; except that sometimes I get my name in the paper.

Canadian professional hockey player
Hockey People Self Sports

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People Self Situations

I broke in with four hits and the writers promptly declared they had seen the new Ty Cobb… it took me only a few days to correct that impression.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Baseball People Self Sports

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Intelligence People

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars

Men People Women

You might be a redneck if… your parents met at a family reunion.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Parents People Rednecks

Sometimes people have had terrible childhoods… and sometimes they just haven’t found their special place in life… and sometimes they’re dogs from hell and must be destroyed.

(1912 – 1988) American cartoonist (The Addams Family)
People Situations