Subject: People (Page 33)

One out of three hundred and twelve Americans is a bore, for instance, and a healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people’s patience.

Many persons have difficulty remembering what President Franklin Pierce is best remembered for, and he is therefore probably best forgotten.

(1906 – 1989) American poet & author

A fool and his money is a friend indeed.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake; I feel better already!

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

You might be a redneck if… you got Clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

For weeks I’ve been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday, and he still forgot to bring me something.

If it wasn't for white people, who would play lead guitar?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.

(1863 – 1941) U.S. senator (California) & U.S. Secretary of the Treasury

An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.

The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember that time I learned how to make wine and forgot how to drive?

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

I think the British have the distinction above all other nations of being able to put new wine into old bottles without bursting them.

(1883 – 1967) British prime minister & politician

A loafer always has the correct time.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten; they're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

(1930 – 1977) German teacher

When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky… a woman already knows.

There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician

If Jesus can walk on water can he swim on land?

American comedian

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author