Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
People
(Page 33)
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Men
People
Women
Criticism
Old people love to give good advice; it compensates them for their inability to set a bad example.
François de la Rochefoucald
(1613 – 1680) French writer
Age
Intelligence
Old
People
Advice
1. Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
2. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
3. If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
Peter's Corollaries
Murphy’s Laws
People
Work
Incompetence
If it weren't for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
Anonymous
Characteristics
Marriage
Men
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Men
Relationships
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships
Self
Family tree
Geneology
Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.
George Bernard Shaw
(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
People
Situations
Time
Everything
Sooner or later
Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment
People
Bacteria
Culture
Treat a horse like a woman and a woman like a horse; and they’ll both win for you.
Elizabeth Arden
(1884 – 1966) Canadian-American businesswoman
People
Women
Horses
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Robert Bloch
(1917 – 1994) American writer
People
Relationships
Friendship
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.
Rita Mae Brown
1944) is an American writer & screenwriter
Men
People
Places
World
Side saddle
This guy says, ‘I’m perfect for you, ‘cause I’m a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.’ … I said, ‘Oh, a gay trucker?’
Judy Tenuta
(1956 – ) American entertainer & comedian
Characteristics
Men
People
Homosexuals
A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Appearance
Body
People
Jocks
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping; men invade another country.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Eating
Men
People
Shopping
War
Women
All right, brain, you don’t like me, and I don’t like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
People
Self
TV/Movie Quotes
Public office is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Boies Penrose
(1860 – 1921) U.S. senator (Pennsylvania)
Government
Intelligence
People
Competency
Men… you can’t live with them… you don’t have to.
Anonymous
Men
People
The only decent people I ever saw at the racecourse were horses.
James Joyce
(1882 – 1941) Irish novelist & poet
People
Racecourse
The Mexicans… these tiny little men from South America.
Harry Carpenter
British sports commentator
Boxing
Misspokements
People
Sports
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
Irv Kupcinet
(1912 – 2003) newspaper columnist
Characteristics
People
Holidays
Optimists
Thanksgiving
Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something’s not accurate?
Doug Stanhope
(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Self
Page 33 of 129
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