Subject: People » Self (Page 6)

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

(1884 – 1962) diplomat & reformer & first lady

The hands on my biological clock are giving me the finger.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

It's hard to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenics just because she lives in your body.

(1956 – ) American entertainer & comedian

I’m fairly certain that the only reason I was born crippled was because God knew I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to become a stripper.

American comedian

I play sports…no I don’t… what the f**k?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

When people ask me what sign I was born under, I say "I'm not certain, but it could have been the one that says 'Dining Car in opposite direction'."

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Sooner or later, I'll be punctual.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

You might recognize me… I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

I’m not the type who wants to go back to the land… I’m the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

I can't sing, but I know how to, which is quite different.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter

There is no ‘I’ in self-esteem.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Some people are widely read – I'm thinly read.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Every time I breathe, they like, ‘Why you breathing so hard?'…So I can live!


I'm bald, blind and pale… I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

You know how growing up we all had that voice inside our head that tells us we’re not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head driving me to school.

(1970 – ) American actress

Apparently we love our own cell phones but we hate everyone else’s.

(John Bloom) (1953 – ) American film critic, writer & actor

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor