Subject: Sex (Page 5)

I don’t understand the whole concept of a massage; you get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on.

(1968 – ) American comedian, actor & country music artist

In public school my daughter was voted most likely to conceive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Look. Last night you felt like a woman and I felt like a man… and that's the kind of thing those people do.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

My girlfriend says that she thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover, but she hasn’t been able to catch him at it!

Sex drive—a physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

To please a woman in bed, all a man has to do is a poetry course; they also have to learn that the Kama Sutra is not an Indian takeaway and that the mutual orgasm is not an insurance company.

(1958 – ) Australian author

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.

typographer

I’m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don’t know.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

When mom found my diaphragm, I told her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Losing my virginity was a career move.

(1958 – ) American singer, actress & entrepreneur

A skirt is no obstacle to extemporaneous sex, but it is physically impossible to make love to a girl while she is wearing trousers.

(1907 – 1982) American journalist, editor & author

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? … If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

We had different ideas as to what the problem was: she bought me Viagra; I bought her a treadmill.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms;' and he said, 'Just a minute,' and I said, 'Oh, that's my brand.'

American comedian & actor

Virginity is a balloon in the carnival of life, that vanishes with the first prick.

Sex isn't necessary; you don't die without it – but you can die having it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer