Subject: Situations (Page 19)

I had an MRI, where they put you in tube [for] 45 minutes, and I actually enjoyed the privacy.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Situations

If it can break, it will, but only after the warranty expires.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking I got an odor eater.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies; mine read, “Be quiet for a little while” Hand his read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Food/Drink Situations

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase… I can hardly contain myself.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Situations

Doug probably fell while he was looking for a place to jump.

(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer
Situations

An old friend will help you move; a good friend will help you move a dead body.


Friends People Situations

You can always tell you're in trouble when the good option involves a prosthetic leg.

blogger (Standing Room Only)
Problems Situations

You might be a redneck if… one of your kids was born on a pool table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Situations

It is easier to stay out than get out.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him… but I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Situations

Nothing is improbable until it moves into past tense.

(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician
Situations Time

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence Science/Weather Situations

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped; I said, “No thanks, I’m not going that far.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today; they left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
Activities Driving Situations

The status quo sucks.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Situations

The other day I… no wait, that wasn't me.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Never wave to a friend at an auction.

Situations

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Situations