Subject: Situations (Page 26)

Parents are not quite interested in justice, they are interested in peace and quiet.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Family Parents Situations

Brexit is a terrible name… sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.

(1978 – ) English stand-up comedian & actress
England Places Situations

I spent twelve years training for a career that was over in a week; Joe Namath spent one week training for a career that lasted twelve years.

(1949 – ) American Olympic athlete
Activities People Situations Sports

I called someone an Indian giver recently, but they were really offended, so I had to take it back.

( 1981 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
Situations

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, "On your mark…"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Situations

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Situations Things

Have you ever worn a different deodorant and for the rest of the day you feel like there is a stranger standing next to you.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

Nan would always send us texts saying please come round, my arthritis is getting worse; but then they stopped… so presumably it got better.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People Self Situations

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Situations

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home, so I went over… nobody was home.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Situations

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

When a broken appliance is demonstrated to the repairman, it will work perfectly.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

(1890 – 1969) 34th U.S. president, U.S. Army General
Situations Time

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Situations

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Situations

A few cobras in your home will soon clear it of rats and mice… of course, you will still have the cobras.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Animals Situations

I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'… I thought, it must suck to work there.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink Situations Work

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives