Subject: Situations (Page 26)

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house – then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to; but first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Never try to pick up a woman who is wearing a Super Bowl ring.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Dating People Relationships Situations

A hotel isn’t like a home, but it’s better than being a house guest.

(1908 – 1976) publisher & author
Places Situations

They say being a hostage is difficult… but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Phil Nichol Canadian comedian, singer-songwriter & actor
Situations

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Situations Time

Ain’t ya never heard silence is gold?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

You give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; but you teach a man to fish – saved yourself a fish haven’t you?

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

I went to a hooker…  I dropped my pants… she dropped her price.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

It's like, I hate getting up in the morning, unless it's over and over and over and over again… then I'm good.

American comedian & musician
Situations Sleep

An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Situations

I never lost my job while I was leading a race.

American auto racer
Auto racing Situations Sports Work

I'm busier than a stump full of ants.

Activities Situations

I took this girl to dinner, and I heard that women like it when you order for them, so I was like, 'I'll have the special, and she's not getting anything tonight.'

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink People Situations Women

The minute a man reaches thirty thousand feet, he immediately becomes consumed by distasteful sexual fantasies which involve doing uncomfortable things in those tiny toilets.

American playwright, television writer & author
Men People Sex Situations

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Situations

One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

For some not to be martyrs is martyrdom indeed.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
People Situations

We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.

(1913 – 1973) American animator & cartoonist (Pogo)
Characteristics Situations

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Characteristics Intelligence Situations

What I’m looking for is a blessing that’s not in disguise.

Situations