Subject: Situations (Page 27)

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die; I would have thought the obvious one was shout for help.

(1980 – ) English comedian & novelist
Death Situations

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Communication Situations Things

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

Situations

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

Dressing a baby is like putting an octopus into a string bag, making sure none of the arms hang out.

(1951 – ) British writer
Appearance Children Clothing Family Situations

A few cobras in your home will soon clear it of rats and mice… of course, you will still have the cobras.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Animals Situations

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Children People Situations Women

I was born nine months premature.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Age Situations Time

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the seven dwarves.

British comedian
Situations

The one who least wants to play is the one who will win

Activities Games Murphy’s Laws Situations

Always be nice to people on the way up; because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Situations Work

The difference between bagpipes and an onion is that nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Situations

Are you buying or selling?

(1906 – 1998) Russian-born English film producer & media mogul
Money Situations

Opportunity only knocks once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

(1949 – ) English-born Australian musician, writer, actor, composer & record producer
Situations

If winners never quit, and quitters never win, what idiot came up with quit while you're ahead?

People Situations

If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Intelligence Situations

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Situations

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house – then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to; but first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: “Basement?”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self Situations

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Situations