Subject: Situations (Page 27)

The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn’t commit when he had the opportunity.

Life Murphy’s Laws Situations

I once made love to a female clown… she twisted my penis into a poodle.

Dan Whitney (1963 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice artist
Sex Situations

Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? … What is the logic in that? … do tall people burn slower?

(1963 – ) American comedian & writer
Situations

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Honesty Life Situations

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer
Situations

I’m even in denial about the fact that I’m in therapy; I’ve just convinced myself there’s a friend that I see once a week, and then I lend her $90, and she never pays me back.

(1964 – ) Canadian stand-up comedian, actress & television host
Health Situations

Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Old-timers weekends, and airplane landings are alike; if you can walk away from them, they’re successful.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Situations

If anything goes bad, I did it… if anything goes semi-good, we did it… if anything goes really good, then you did it; that's all it takes to get people to win football games for you.

1913 – 1983) American college football coach
People Situations Success Work

Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you need is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

(1954 – ) American television host, actress, producer & philanthropist
People Situations Success

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house… I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Proverbs Situations

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

Situations Work

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong – but that's the way to bet.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer
Situations

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house – then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to; but first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I had an MRI, where they put you in tube [for] 45 minutes, and I actually enjoyed the privacy.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Situations

No, no… Jimmy Stewart for governor… Ronald Reagan for his best friend.

(1892 – 1978) Canadian-American film producer (Warner Brothers)
Entertainment Film People Situations

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Dance Family Past Relationships Situations Things Time

The more he looked inside the more Piglet wasn’t there.

fictional character from the book series by A. A. Milne
Places Situations

You've got to think lucky; if you fall into a mud hole, check your back pocket – you might have caught a fish.

(1924 – 2012) American football player & coach
Football Situations Sports

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Situations Taxes