Subject: Situations (Page 28)

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

You might be a redneck if… anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y’all watch this!”

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Never saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from it.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist

Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves.

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president

Have you ever worn a different deodorant and for the rest of the day you feel like there is a stranger standing next to you.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Good times end too quickly. Bad times go on forever.

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom's gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let's print up some flyers!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect “Hungry.”

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side

Never accept a ride from a stranger unless he gives you candy.


Sometimes I'm so bored at a party, I'll slip myself a roofie.

comedian & author

No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap.

(1953 – ) American comedian, writer & actor

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

(1917 – 1993) British composer & novelist

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

If I could take just one thing to a desert island… I probably wouldn’t go.

comedian

Nature abhors a vacuum… and so do I.

American cartoonist & greeting card illustrator

The police surrounded the building and threw an accordion around the block.

Constant change is here to stay.

If he wants breakfast in bed, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.

(1958 – ) Australian author

Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.

(1819 – 1891) American novelist, essayist & poet