Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 28)
If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.
Hutchinson’s Law
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Attention
Distraction
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Anonymous
Situations
Time
Rain dance
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink
Situations
Sleep
Dreams
Shredded wheat
Pour him out of here!
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Alcohol
Situations
Of W. C. Fields when he arrived drunk on a set
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Individuals
People
Situations
Approval
Comfortable
My love life is like a fairy tale – it's grim.
Wendy Liebman
(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Emotions
Love
Sex
Situations
Fairy tales
Nothing is impossible; some things are just less likely than others.
Jonathan Winters
(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor
Situations
Achievement
Impossible
There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.
Charles Osgood
(1933 – ) American telejournalist
People
Situations
Exceptions to the rule
I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.
Rod Schmidt
Situations
Dryers
Socks
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
People
Situations
Things
Keeping up with the Jones
A hotel isn’t like a home, but it’s better than being a house guest.
William Feather
(1908 – 1976) publisher & author
Places
Situations
Guests
Home
Hotel
Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations
Things
Work
Birthdays
Candle factory
Fire
Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that can happen to a man.
James Thurber
(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Age
Old
People
Situations
Unexpected
Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.
Randolph's Cardinal Principle of Statecraft
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Things
Disturbances
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening… but this wasn't it.
Anonymous
Situations
Often erroneously credited to ‘Groucho’ Marx
A day without sunshine is like… well, night.
Anonymous
Situations
Time
Day
Night
Sunshine
At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?
Jay London
(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Science/Weather
Situations
Amish
Motel 6
Technology
Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People
Situations
Amish
If only God would give me some clear sign! … like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs
God
Money
Situations
I hope Iman took a good book on the honeymoon.
Music newspaper Melody Maker
Sex
Situations
Iman
On her marriage to David Bowie
My sister was with two men in one night… she could hardly walk after that; can you imagine – two dinners!
Sarah Silverman
(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Relationships
Situations
Page 28 of 53
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