Subject: Situations (Page 28)

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

You might be a redneck if… anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y’all watch this!”

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family People Rednecks Situations

Never saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from it.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Problems Situations

Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves.

Proverbs Situations

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Problems Situations

Have you ever worn a different deodorant and for the rest of the day you feel like there is a stranger standing next to you.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

Good times end too quickly. Bad times go on forever.

Life Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Beliefs Girls Situations

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom's gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let's print up some flyers!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect “Hungry.”

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

Never accept a ride from a stranger unless he gives you candy.


Situations

Sometimes I'm so bored at a party, I'll slip myself a roofie.

comedian & author
Drugs Self Situations

No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap.

(1953 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Life Situations

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

(1917 – 1993) British composer & novelist
Emotions Happiness Laughter Situations Sleep

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Health Intelligence Situations Sleep Wealth

If I could take just one thing to a desert island… I probably wouldn’t go.

comedian
Situations

Nature abhors a vacuum… and so do I.

American cartoonist & greeting card illustrator
Housework Situations Things Work

The police surrounded the building and threw an accordion around the block.

Malaprops Situations

Constant change is here to stay.

Situations

If he wants breakfast in bed, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.

(1958 – ) Australian author
Men People Situations

Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.

(1819 – 1891) American novelist, essayist & poet
People Situations