Subject: Situations (Page 4)

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

People who live in glass houses should masturbate in the basement.

(1972 – ) Irish comedian & television presenter
Sex Situations

I can’t say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.

(1734 – 1820) American pioneer, explorer & frontiersman
Situations

A lot of bars have black lights, and when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool… except for me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Situations

I want to ride in a cold air balloon; “This isn’t going anywhere!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

American comedian & actor
Activities Drugs Situations

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Situations

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

They live so deep in the woods they kept possums as yard dogs.

Animals Expressions Places Situations

If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Situations Sleep Yogi-isms

If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Situations

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Places Situations

I accidentally walked in on my roommate and his girlfriend having sex; fortunately they didn't see me for almost 10 minutes.

American comedian
Sex Situations

Nobody talks more of free enterprise and competition and of the best man winning than the man who inherited his father’s store or farm.

(1916 – 1962) American sociologist & professor
Situations

Deploring change is the unchangeable habit of all Englishmen.

(1896 – 1971) English socialist, author, journalist, editor & gourmet
People Situations

She raped him in a blanket.

Malaprops Situations

Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole-in-one.

Golf Situations Sports

People have discovered that they can fool the devil; but they can't fool the neighbors.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
People Situations

All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

(1892 – 1942) American painter
Animals Ideas Intelligence Situations