Subject: Situations (Page 5)

The status quo sucks.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Situations

Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.

American free-lance writer
People Situations

There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Situations

My uncle was a hypnotist who, “d i d … n o t … t o u c h … m e … w h e n … I … w a s … y o u n g !”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Mediocrity imitates.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

When I answer the door the kids hand ME candy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Situations Ugly

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Problems Situations

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations

Why do I always meet women as I’m leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? … and it’s always on the day I forgot my dog…

(1964 – ) American comedian
Animals Dogs Relationships Situations

Went to court for a parking ticket… I pleaded insanity.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

The less I behave like Whistler’s Mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress
Situations

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

(1917 – 1993) British composer & novelist
Emotions Happiness Laughter Situations Sleep

In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Isn’t it strange – when you’re single, all you see is couple and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Relationships Situations

Nothing is impossible; some things are just less likely than others.

(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor
Situations

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

Golf Situations Sports

Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Death Situations

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Children People Situations Women

Ninety percent of “everything” is crud.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

Problems Situations