Subject: Situations (Page 42)

They say familiarity breeds contempt but I hardly know you.

(1949 – ) English-born Australian musician, writer, actor, composer & record producer
Situations

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Situations

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

Characteristics Expressions Situations

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three – and paradise is when you have none.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Life Money Situations

Maybe my mind chewed off more than the mind should bite.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

Ten thousand women marched through the streets of London saying 'we will not be dictated to,' and then went off to become stenographers.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
People Politics Situations Women

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Situations

Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high fives all the time.

(1991 – ) English stand-up comedian
Situations

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records… nothing was alphabetized!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves.

Proverbs Situations

When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't.

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Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk.

(1877 – 1956) U.S. vice president & politician
Alcohol People Situations

All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Situations

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

American comedian & television host
People Situations Things

In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Situations

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Activities Games Situations

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?


(1924 – ) American businessman, president, CEO of Chrysler Corporation
Autos Situations

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Work

If you can't fix it with duct tape you haven’t used enough.

Problems Situations

If the thermometer had been an inch longer we’d all have frozen to death.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Cold Science/Weather Situations