Subject: Situations (Page 44)

Really worried about my parrot: he keeps saying “I can’t go on, I hate my life.” … My roommate is too selfish to notice… always busy crying.

The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage.

Things are never as bad as they turn out to be.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

I hope Iman took a good book on the honeymoon.

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills… my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When you're up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents; it was on a note, in my room.

comedian

Every time I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until my daughter's old enough to take care of that herself.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor

If living conditions don't stop improving in this country, we're going to run out of humble beginnings for our great men.

(early 20th Century) American painter

When you're in deep water it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in!

I usually call the new guy and let him know where I like to sit on the bus, tell him ways he can stay out of my way, make sure he knows not to touch any of my stuff.

(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive

The first shall be last and the last shall be first, but if you're in the middle, you're stuck there.

In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

What I’m looking for is a blessing that’s not in disguise.

You might be a redneck if… one of your kids was born on a pool table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality