Subject: Situations (Page 44)

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

When a broken appliance is demonstrated to the repairman, it will work perfectly.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Don’t forget to delete me from your list of subscribers.

(1865 – 1936) English short-story writer, poet & novelist
Death Situations

I went to a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries…’ the girl at the counter said, ‘would you like some fries with that?’

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Food/Drink Situations

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

Murphy’s Laws Proverbs Situations Sleep

I think Pringle’s intention was to make tennis balls, but the day the rubber was supposed to show up, they got a big load of potatoes instead; but Pringles was a laid-back company and they said, "f**k it, cut 'em up."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Animals Situations

When we’re unemployed, we’re called lazy; when the whites are unemployed, it’s called a depression.

(1941 – ) American civil rights activist & Baptist minister
People Situations Work

It’s always darkest before… daylight savings time.

Proverbs Situations Time

If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Characteristics Situations

In a fight between you and the world, back the world.

(1883 – 1924) Czech writer
Conflict Situations

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… when I came back the entire area was missing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

Sometimes, I like to read the Bible in public and yell out, ‘Oh Bullshit!’

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Situations

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Situations

When you get to the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Problems Situations

Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.

(1819 – 1891) American novelist, essayist & poet
People Situations

It is easier to stay out than get out.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations

You can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Self Situations

I’m drowning here, and you’re describing the water!

(1937 – ) American actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes