Subject: Situations (Page 44)

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When a broken appliance is demonstrated to the repairman, it will work perfectly.

Don’t forget to delete me from your list of subscribers.

(1865 – 1936) English short-story writer, poet & novelist

I went to a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries…’ the girl at the counter said, ‘would you like some fries with that?’

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

I think Pringle’s intention was to make tennis balls, but the day the rubber was supposed to show up, they got a big load of potatoes instead; but Pringles was a laid-back company and they said, "f**k it, cut 'em up."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

When we’re unemployed, we’re called lazy; when the whites are unemployed, it’s called a depression.

(1941 – ) American civil rights activist & Baptist minister

It’s always darkest before… daylight savings time.

If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist

In a fight between you and the world, back the world.

(1883 – 1924) Czech writer

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… when I came back the entire area was missing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Sometimes, I like to read the Bible in public and yell out, ‘Oh Bullshit!’

(1969 – ) comedian & actor

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

When you get to the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.

(1819 – 1891) American novelist, essayist & poet

It is easier to stay out than get out.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

You can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I’m drowning here, and you’re describing the water!

(1937 – ) American actor