Subject: Situations (Page 45)

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

A barrel of monkeys would be a lot of fun… unless it's been sealed for 6 or 7 months.


Situations

He gave her a look you could have poured on a waffle.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer
Relationships Situations

Nothing screams “Welcome for one night” like the inflatable mattress; “Hey, I threw a sheet on a pool raft… hope you like it.”

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Situations

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

(1877 – 1962) English journalist, novelist & reporter
Situations

Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it's not funny.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Communication Laughter Situations

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics Situations

The police surrounded the building and threw an accordion around the block.

Malaprops Situations

You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince.

Dating Relationships Situations

Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Law Situations

Met a girl the other nite and told her-– “Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself… so does $200 seem reasonable?”

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & television ho
Money Situations

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

(1917 – 1993) British composer & novelist
Emotions Happiness Laughter Situations Sleep

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Dating Sex Situations

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Men People Situations Women

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Entertainment Situations

Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire?… the one nearest the door of course.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Art Entertainment Situations

I'm busier than a stump full of ants.

Activities Situations

A day without sunshine is like… well, night.

Situations Time

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.

(1927 – ) American comedian
Situations

Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Shopping Situations Things Time

I used to be indecisive; but now I'm not sure.

Characteristics Situations