Subject: Situations (Page 45)

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

If I was “The Bachelor” we’d all play Mario Kart for eight weeks… then I’d pick the one with the biggest boobs.

American comedian
People Situations Women

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

Silence: Having nothing to say and saying it.

Communication Definitions Situations Speech

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day… I make sure it’s with an elderly person holding a baby.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Situations

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Congress Government People Situations Things

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex; we’re not even that loud, but he used to date my girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Situations

If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date.

(1918 - 2002) American author
Dating Relationships Situations

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

Food/Drink Situations

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.

People Situations Women

If you see a bandwagon, it's too late.

(1933 – 1997) Anglo-French billionaire financier
Situations

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Situations

My wife has cut me down to once a month; I'm lucky…
I know two guys she cut off completely.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

The tire is only flat on the bottom.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

A pat on the back, though only a few vertebrae removed from a kick in the pants, is miles ahead in results.

(1898 – 1971) American humorist
Characteristics Situations

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps.

(1804 – 1881) British prime minister, politician & author
Failure Problems Situations

I bought a real expensive water filter, but it works too good; I just get hydrogen.

American comedian & actor
Situations Things

My uncle was a hypnotist who, “d i d … n o t … t o u c h … m e … w h e n … I … w a s … y o u n g !”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor… especially in the dark.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Situations Things