Subject: Situations (Page 45)

Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Situations Stupidity TV/Movie Quotes

I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Money Situations

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

If living conditions don't stop improving in this country, we're going to run out of humble beginnings for our great men.

(early 20th Century) American painter
Situations

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ … and I couldn’t help thinking, ‘she should move.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Sex Situations

I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Characteristics Intelligence Situations

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? … that’s why I never take baths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

God always has another custard pie up His sleeve.

(1943 – 2010) English actress
Beliefs God Situations

The real reason Milton went blind was to avoid reading unsolicited manuscripts.

1944) is an American writer & screenwriter
Communication Reading/Writing Situations

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage; Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Situations

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

(1961 – ) English comedian, actor, director, producer & writer
Problems Situations TV/Movie Quotes

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; well, I was lost but now I live here – I have severely improved my predicament!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Congress Government People Situations Things

I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Activities Situations Sleep

Cleaning anything involves making something else dirty, but anything can get dirty without something else getting clean.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Characteristics Situations

I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said ’heaven,’ so I hit him; he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Conflict Situations