Subject: Things (Page 26)

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
God Men People Things

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?


Communication Language Things

When you move something to a more logical place, you only can remember where it used to be and your decision to move it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The best shots are generally attempted through the lens cap.

Murphy’s Laws Things

We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids; it’s SPF 80: you squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

(1961 – ) American television producer, writer, actor & comedian
Things

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

Even the police have an unlisted number.

(1908 – 1996) actor & comedian
Government Hollywood Law Things

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.

(1947 – ) radio broadcaster & host
Autos Situations Things

The lights are most likely to come back on at the precise moment you find the flashlight.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Murphy’s Laws Things

You might be a redneck if… you think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Places Rednecks Things

Window Screen: A device for keeping flies in the house.

Definitions Things

Heirloom: Some old thing nobody liked well enough to wear out.

Definitions Things

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Things

The wonderful world of home appliances now makes it possible to cook indoors with charcoal and outdoors with gas.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Places Things

I got a $290 parking ticket today… my car only cost $240.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Autos Money Things

Personally, I’m waiting for caller IQ.

(1955 – ) American comedian, singer, actress & author
Intelligence People Things

Thingy: Female Interpretation: Any part under a car’s hood; Male Interpretation: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

Definitions Men Things Women

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks… and it was way to literal for me.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

A sieve may not hold water, but it will hold another sieve.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Things

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

The three things that mean the most to me in life are my parents, Casablanca and college football – not necessarily in that order.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Life Things