Subject: Things (Page 31)

The cussedness of inanimate objects is beyond understanding.

Murphy’s Laws Things

When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

Saturday afternoon, although occurring at regular and well-foreseen intervals, always takes this railway by surprise.

(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator
Problems Things

If the Internet is any guide, a lot of people who are pro-gun are also anti-spelling.

(1958 – ) American writer, comedian, satirist & actor
Things

Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom.

Definitions Things

A finished product is one that has already seen its better days.

(1912 – 2010) Canadian-born American radio & television personality & humorist
Things

You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.

(1899 – 1947) American gangster
Arms Characteristics Things

I think I've figured this balloon thing out, Marge. It can go up and down, but not side to side or back in time.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Things TV/Movie Quotes

The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly it can perform those functions.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Cooking Definitions Food/Drink Things

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Autos Children Family Mothers

1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

I have one friend whose Facebook updates are exclusively complaining about Facebook.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Computers Things

Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.

Murphy’s Laws Things

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Things

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Age Things

They [airplane oxygen masks] don’t really help you… they’re just there to muffle the screams.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Things Travel

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

Absolutum obsoletum – If it works, it’s out of date.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Ideas Things

Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.

Activities Definitions Shopping Things