Subject: Things (Page 9)

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

You might be a redneck if… your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Dogs Money People Rednecks Things

You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.

(1899 – 1947) American gangster
Arms Characteristics Things

His car is so expensive that instead of a stereo, Pavaratti takes requests from the back seat.

Autos Exaggerations Things

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead… I think I did that joke backwards.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I got a new shadow… I had to get rid of the other one… it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

When you put Listerine® in your mouth, it hurts; germs do not go quietly.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Autos Marriage Things Wives

You might be a redneck if… you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things Wives

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I have a decaffeinated coffee table… you’d never know it to look at it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Things

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

The higher the building the lower the morals.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Characteristics Things

When I was 15 years old, I got my learner’s permit, which meant that the state of Florida was now obligating me to learn to drive with the two worst drivers in the world: my mom and my dad.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Autos Driving Family Parents Situations

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Mistakes Things

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.

(1917 – ) English physicist & science fiction author
Computers Things

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Things