Subject: Things (Page 7)

Carla: I have a way with inanimate objects.

Cliff: Maybe you’d like to take a crack at Norm here.

(1947 – ) American actor & entrepreneur
Things TV/Movie Quotes

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

(1919 – 2011) American news commentator & writer
Computers Things

Traffic Light: A little green light that changes to red as your car approaches.

Autos Definitions Things

His car is so expensive that instead of a stereo, Pavaratti takes requests from the back seat.

Autos Exaggerations Things

They think they can make fuel from horse manure…. now, I don’t know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it’s sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.

(1915 – 1959) American jazz singer & songwriter
Autos Things

You think it's possible for them to design an electric car that doesn't look like a gay spaceship?

(1953 – ) American comedian & writer
Autos Things

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

I found a guy's wallet and inside was a picture of my kids!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Things

Accordion: An instrument whose music is long drawn out.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

You're never too poor for good toilet paper.

comedian
Money Poverty Things

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Alcohol Beer Food/Drink Things

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Arms Fear Men People Things

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me; I said, “Well, what do you need?”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Canada Places Things

Oar: Clumsy wooden implement used to moisten boat occupants.

Definitions Things

Things always fall at right angles.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving England Places

People will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Autos Driving Things

You might be a redneck if… you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things