Subject: Work » Occupations (Page 11)

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Government Occupations Taxes

The two most important jobs in America are held by foreigners – room service and goal-kicking.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Occupations People Sports Work

One thing about being a cabbie is that you don’t have to worry about being fired from a good job.

(1935 – ) American actor
Occupations TV/Movie Quotes Work

Plumber: A drain surgeon.

Definitions Occupations

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

(1983 – ) American comedian
Occupations Work

Overall, I’d say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Occupations Work

A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Education Occupations Sleep

Being a reporter is as much a diagnosis as a job description.

(1953 – ) American author, journalist & opinion columnist
Occupations Work

Auditor: A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded.

Definitions Occupations

An economist is someone who, on being shown something that works in practice, wonders if it would work in theory.

(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor
Occupations Work

Theatre director: a person engaged by the management to conceal the fact that the players cannot act.

(1877 – 1947) British diarist & critic
Acting Definitions Entertainment Occupations

What do you give a florist who is sick?

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Occupations Work

Waiter: A guy who believes money grows on a tray.

Definitions Occupations Work

Judge: Mr Smith, you must not direct the jury. What do you suppose I am on the bench for?

Smith: It is not for me, your honour, to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer
Law Occupations Work

Critic: One who boasts of being “hard to please” because nobody tries to please him. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Occupations Work

Acting: A good training for political life; the only problem is the speeches are harder to learn.

(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor
Acting Entertainment Occupations

A critic is a legless man who teaches running.

(1880 – 1946) American playwright, critic & writer
Communication Occupations Work

Next to the writer of real estate advertisements, the autobiographer is the most suspect of prose artists.

(1921 – 2012) American music critic & journalist
Books Communication Occupations Work

Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Autos Occupations People Situations Women Work

Most anybody can be a cowboy, but it takes a damn genius to make money at it.

Money Occupations Work

Doorman: A genius who can open the door of your car with one hand, help you in with the other, and still have one left for the tip.

Definitions Occupations