Author: Anonymous Page 60

“Has the bear gone away?” asked Tom intently.

Tom Swifties

Don’t eat with your mouth full!

Mixed metaphors

Unabated: A fishhook without a worm.

Definitions

Patriotism: The willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons dreamed up by politicians.

Death Definitions

Motherhood: If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.

Definitions

“This game is foul,” Tom groused.

Tom Swifties

Right now, I couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons.

Sex Situations

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

Health

He is so ugly… his doctor is a vet.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Damp weather is very hard on the sciences.

Malaprops

The beer flowed like wine.

Mixed metaphors

The mosquitoes in Louisiana are so big, they can stand flat foot and screw a chicken!

Animals Exaggerations

“I’ve removed all the feathers from this chicken,” said Tom pluckily.

Tom Swifties

Detour: Something that lengthens your mileage, diminishes your gas, and strengthens your vocabulary.

Activities Definitions Travel

Marriage: The mourning after the knot before.

Definitions Marriage

Artist’s Model: A girl unsuited for her work.

Definitions

“Look at my shiny kitchen floor”, said Tom, waxing enthusiastic.

Tom Swifties

Having one wife is called monotony.

Malaprops Marriage

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Family Relationships Science/Weather

My wife has just two complaints: first, she’s got absolutely nothing to wear and second, she’s run out of closet space to keep it in.

Appearance Clothing Wives

“I’m on social security,” said Tom dolefully.

Tom Swifties