Author: Anonymous Page 81

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Age Beliefs Honesty Lies

Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.

Murphy’s Laws Success Things

“I might as well be dead,” Tom croaked.

Tom Swifties

Death: Life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.

Death Definitions Life

“I can lend you the money,” Tom said with interest.

Tom Swifties

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Family Relationships Science/Weather

Father: A guy who is working his child’s way through college.

Definitions Family Fathers

Coaching: Eliminating mistakes before you get fired.

Definitions

Dictator: A self-madman.

Definitions

Executive: A person who can take two hours for lunch without anybody missing him.

Definitions Occupations

Book Jacket: A fable of contents.

Definitions

Hot Dog: The only animal that feeds the hand that bites it.

Animals Definitions Food/Drink

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Communication Language Money

Life’s all about ass – covering it, kicking it, kissing it or trying to get it.

Life

Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good.

Intelligence Memory Wisdom

Professionals built the Titanic; amateurs built the ark.

People Work

False Pregnancy: Laboring under a misconception.

Definitions

Intuition: The sixth sense that allows a woman five wrong guesses.

Definitions Women

Like socks on a rooster

Expressions

From that book suppository building…

Malaprops

Counsel: Advice with a price tag.

Definitions