Author: Anonymous Page 81

Contraceptives: What Protestants use on all conceivable occasions.

Definitions

Experience: What causes a person to make new mistakes instead of the same old ones.

Definitions Mistakes

“For goodness sakes, use a broom,” Tom bristled.

Tom Swifties

“I’m wearing a ribbon round my arm,” said Tom with abandon.

Tom Swifties

Keep your eyes pierced, it's got to be around here somewhere.

Malaprops

“I have lost all my Hungarian sheet music,” said Tom listlessly.

Tom Swifties

It's like pulling hen's teeth.

Mixed metaphors

Education: One of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.

Definitions Education

Aborigines: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country.

Definitions People

“Cut it out!” said Tom sharply.

Tom Swifties

Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Definitions Science/Weather

University: A college with a stadium seating more than sixty thousand.

Definitions Education School

I wouldn't trust him with my bargepole.

Mixed metaphors

She couldn’t catch a cold if it had handles.

Expressions

Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Definitions

Ascribe: Newspaper reporter.

Definitions

Snoring: Sheet music.

Definitions Sleep Wordplay

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

Health

Riding: The art of keeping a horse between yourself and the ground.

Animals Definitions

Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.

Activities Definitions Shopping Things

That tickled my fancy bone.

Mixed metaphors