Author: Anonymous Page 97

Telephone: A contrivance for letting us talk to people whom we don’t want to meet.

Definitions Things

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Life Money

Florists: Petal pushers.

Definitions

Never judge a book by its title.

Mixed metaphors

Agnostic: A person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree with him, he becomes angry.

Beliefs Definitions God

Bathing Suit: A garment cut to see level.

Appearance Clothing Definitions Wordplay

Makes the hair stand up on the edge of my seat

Mixed metaphors

My husband was chosen as a wheelbarrow for his friend's funeral.

Malaprops

“It’s time for the second funeral,” Tom rehearsed.

Tom Swifties

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

Beliefs Proverbs

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common… they should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Government Politicians

Bury it under the carpet

Mixed metaphors

Once you open a can of worms, they always come home to roost.

Mixed metaphors

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by an occasional miracle.

Golf Sports

Spine: A long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other.

Definitions

Detour: The roughest distance between two points.

Activities Definitions Travel

The real estate agent can give you all the perpendiculars of this listing.

Malaprops

Bus: A vehicle that has empty seats when going in the opposite direction.

Definitions

Conservative: A liberal who has just been mugged.

Beliefs Definitions

A lot of people are leaving the company; the nutrition rate is very high.

Malaprops

If the baby is happy, don’t try to make it happier.

Family Proverbs