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Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Definitions Money

Now you have hit it on the head with the nail.

Mixed metaphors

Rejoinder: Married his ex.

Definitions Marriage

Multitasking: Messing up several chores at the same time.

Activities Definitions

Statistician: A person who can draw a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. 

Definitions Occupations Science/Weather

The first known case of a rat joining a sinking ship.

Insults

He’s crooked as a barrel full of fish hooks.

Characteristics Expressions Honesty Insults

Liberal: A man with his mind open at both ends.

Beliefs Definitions People

She is so fat… the police told her to break it up.

Appearance Exaggerations Fat

What a terrible cat's after me!

Malaprops

Smile: To expose a portion of one’s skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.

Definitions

Never say “Oops” always say “Ah, interesting!”

Communication Mistakes Problems Speech

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Definitions Family

Window Shopping: Eye browsing.

Activities Definitions Shopping

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Time

Cleavage: Something which excites disapproval in everyone but the audience.

Body Definitions

Budget: A schedule for going into debt systematically.

Definitions

Epitaph: A monumental lie.

Death Definitions

Stomach: A bowl-shaped cavity containing the organs of indigestion.

Body Definitions

We don't need to skirt around the bush.

Mixed metaphors

We heard the ocean is infatuated with sharks.

Malaprops