Author: Demetri Martin Page 2

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat Things

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Reading/Writing

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

If you can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you’re fat.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him, but life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games

When they were naming the animals somebody got lazy… whats he doing?… eating ants… DONE!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Language

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Things

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Food/Drink Games

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals

Per capita – just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations

I want to make a revolving door that says “Pull” on it, just see how obedient people are.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Characteristics

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize,’ … except at a funeral.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Death Language

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

I see cards that say ‘Get Well Soon’ … F**k that, get well now!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Health

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sports

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Eating Food/Drink