Author: Emo Phillips Page 2

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.; but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Death People

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Marriage Wives

I learned about sex the hard way… from books.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Sex

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is; I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Emotions Men Success Women

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

(1956 – ) American comedian
People Self Sex

You know what I hate?… Indian givers… no, I take that back.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics Communication Language

Well, my brother says “hello!”… so, hooray for speech therapy.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Speech

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Arms Conflict Time

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat; both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage to do it.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Miscellaneous

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Religion

I ran three miles today… finally I said, ‘Lady take your ‘purse.'

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Exercise

My mother was like a sister to me… only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Mothers Sex

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Self Situations

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Parents Reading/Writing School

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed… so I said, “Get off of me, you two!”

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Wordplay

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Conflict Killing Life People Time

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Sleep

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Clothing Sex Things Women

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Appearance Money