Author: Fred Allen

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics Entertainment Hollywood Places

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Insults Intelligence

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Beliefs Music Religion

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are still in the cat.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals Cats Entertainment Music

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Autos Places

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Success

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Television

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Communication Death

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
People Success

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Television

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Individuals Work

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Characteristics Communication Money

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Activities Definitions

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Death Things

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment People Television

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Children Family Fathers

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Television

He’s done everybody’s act; he’s a parrot with skin on.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Insults People

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink Health

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will look ridiculous year after year.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Appearance Clothing Insults

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Entertainment Hollywood Places