Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 2

If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Arms People Things Shoot Tourist season

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict Confusion Hell

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Language Money Broker

The status quo sucks.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Situations Status quo

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Men People Situations Women

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Happiness Language People Sex Adultery Infants Infidelity

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Autos Life Brakes

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Beliefs Games Frisbees

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show; when you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

America Places Birth Freak show

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence Reading/Writing Literacy

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Places Forest rangers Vacation

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Garnish wages Parsley

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Fights Sex Peace Virginity

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Situations Nights Wolves

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Eating Food/Drink Antipasto Hunger Pasta

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

People Deserted areas

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Ideas Things Drawing boards

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Things Sweat Worry

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Food/Drink Animal crackers Vegetarian

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict Friends Killing People Young Murder

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

Categories

Additional Categories

Oops...

Some Popular Authors

Author: George Carlin Page 2

If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

The status quo sucks.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show; when you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.