Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 2

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Conflict Friends Killing People

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Things #2 Pencil

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Religion Christianity

"No comment" is a comment.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication No comment

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Speech Comics

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Government Authority Influence

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Situations First annual Principle

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Science/Weather Endangered species

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition, then ask them if they have any ski masks.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Arms Conflict Ammunition Ski masks

I think I am, therefore I am… I think.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence Life Existence Philosophy

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Old Bible Exams

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Entertainment People Places Audiences Stage

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Law People Speech Mime Police

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Honesty Dishonesty

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Conflict Killing People Hostages Multiple personalities

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Science/Weather Things Electricity Lighting

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Language Assteroids Hemorrhoids

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Communication Language Truth

If you can’t beat them, arrange  to have them beaten

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict Fights

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 2

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

"No comment" is a comment.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition, then ask them if they have any ski masks.

I think I am, therefore I am… I think.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

If you can’t beat them, arrange  to have them beaten