Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 4

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition, then ask them if they have any ski masks.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Who’s cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Ideas Intelligence Language Lisp

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Government Authority Influence

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Government Lawyers Politicians Situations

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

People Deserted areas

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs God Religion Atheism Organization Prophet

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Autos Things Deer Road sign

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Characteristics Old Good

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Language Fly Walk Wings

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Honesty Dishonesty

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Food/Drink Language Cheese Picture

How is it possible to have a civil war?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict War Wordplay Civility

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Science/Weather Things Electricity Lighting

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Language Money Broker

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Reading/Writing Things ATMs Braille

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Men People Situations Women

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Book Titles

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

People Disoriented Oriental Spin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Health Situations Addictions

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

People Chinese Names

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Individuals Killing People Hostage situation Multiple personalities

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 4

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition, then ask them if they have any ski masks.

Who’s cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?