Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 3

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Money Work Salaries

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Language Fly Walk Wings

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Language Assteroids Hemorrhoids

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication People Speech Egotists

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Future Life Time

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Law People Speech Mime Police

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Old Bible Exams

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Ideas Things Drawing boards

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Government Law Lawyers Smiling

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?… try spelling Evian backward.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Money People Evian Water

Never argue with an idiot; they will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Fools Intelligence Idiots

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition, then ask them if they have any ski masks.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Arms Conflict Ammunition Ski masks

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Book Titles

Swimming isn’t a sport; it’s just a way to keep from drowning.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Sports Swimming

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death Saliva

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Reading/Writing Things ATMs Braille

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Speech Comics

What year did Jesus think it was?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

History Time Jesus

Who’s cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Ideas Intelligence Language Lisp

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 3

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?… try spelling Evian backward.

Never argue with an idiot; they will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Fun Stuff: Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition, then ask them if they have any ski masks.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

Swimming isn’t a sport; it’s just a way to keep from drowning.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

What year did Jesus think it was?

Who’s cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?