Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin Page 2

Some people think of the glass as half full; some people think of the glass as half empty; I think of the glass as too big.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Autos Life Brakes

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Opinion People

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Rain Sheep Shrink

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Science/Weather Endangered species

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Law People Speech Mime Police

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death Bathrooms Dinner parties

I think I am, therefore I am… I think.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence Life Existence Philosophy

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Government Authority Influence

If you can’t beat them, arrange  to have them beaten

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict Fights

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Situations Nights Wolves

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Beliefs Food/Drink Animal crackers Vegetarian

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?… try spelling Evian backward.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Money People Evian Water

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Science/Weather Things Electricity Lighting

Is there another word for synonym?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language Synonym Words

What year did Jesus think it was?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

History Time Jesus

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Characteristics Old Good

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death Saliva

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Money Work Salaries

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Situations Bathrooms

How is it possible to have a civil war?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict War Wordplay Civility

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: George Carlin Page 2

Some people think of the glass as half full; some people think of the glass as half empty; I think of the glass as too big.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I think I am, therefore I am… I think.

If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

If you can’t beat them, arrange  to have them beaten

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?… try spelling Evian backward.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Is there another word for synonym?

What year did Jesus think it was?

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

How is it possible to have a civil war?