Author: Groucho Marx Page 7

Peerless Pauline: I’ve waited so long to find someone like you.

J. Cheever Loophole: Oh, someone like me, I’m not good enough for you, eh?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Places

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can’t see the stove.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Sir, if my wife looked like that, I wouldn't need any help thinking of insults!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

Madame Swempski: I don’t like this innuendo.

Groucho: That’s what I always say: love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

You must fan the flames of love with the bellows of indifference.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here; you must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Relationships Women

I was married by a judge… I should have asked for a jury.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Divorce Marriage

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Money

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Insults

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Insults

I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at storks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

She’s upstairs filing her teeth.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

I eat like a vulture… unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Eating Food/Drink

Yes, and so is everyone else in the league.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Baseball Sports

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Clothing Money People Women