Author: Groucho Marx Page 8

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September,' because it actually tells you something.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication

Man does not control his own fate; the women in his life do that for him.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Men People Women

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Divorce Marriage

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death TV/Movie Quotes

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Laughter People Self

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Men Women

Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean… flee to my lodge in the hills.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Women should be obscene and not heard.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Language Speech Women

I've been looking for a girl like you… not you… but a girl like you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Women

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dance Marriage Wives

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Money Speech

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. a best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Friends People

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Government People Politicians

There's a man outside with a big black mustache; tell him I've got one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Divorce Marriage