Author: Henny Youngman

You know what I did before I married? … anything I wanted to.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage

Bore: A guy with a cocktail glass in one hand and your lapel in the other

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
People

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Family Work

I played a great horse yesterday; it took seven horses to beat him.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

While playing golf today I hit two good balls… I stepped on a rake.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Golf Sports

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places; he told me to quit going to those places.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Doctors Health Places

Room service has an unlisted number.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Places

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Communication

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one; it didn't come in until half-past five.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Sports

Generally speaking, my wife is generally speaking.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Communication Marriage Speech Wives

Take my wife… please!

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage Wives Wordplay

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Things

My son is 21… he’ll be 22 if I let him.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Age Children Family

Americans are getting stronger; twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries… today, a five-year-old can do it.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Money

I live so far out of town, the mailman mails me my letters.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Places

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Clothing Marriage

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Alcohol Communication Food/Drink Reading/Writing

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Happiness Marriage

My wife said: ‘I want an explanation and I want the truth.’ I said: ‘Make up your mind.’

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Communication Honesty Marriage Truth Wives

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive; last week she learned how to aim it.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Autos Driving Things

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Family Mothers Ugly