Author: Jimmy Carr Page 2

Say what you want about the deaf…

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication People Speech

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," – 'til the accident.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Characteristics Situations

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said ‘I think you’re fatist.’ I said ‘No. I think you’re fattest.’

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Fat

I love watching horror films while hiding behind the sofa… that way my neighbors don’t know I’m there.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I had a survey done on my house; eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Miscellaneous

I, of course, don’t have an accent; this is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Age Old Sex

Women reach their sexual peak after 35 years; men reach theirs after about four minutes.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Men People Sex Time Women

I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger” … you might think that’s pretty cool; she doesn’t like it.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Friends People

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese… as if she doesn’t have enough on her plate.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Appearance Body Fat

Ladies, if you get a burning sensation when you pee, it could be one of three things: it could be a urinary tract infection, it could be a bushfire, or it could be someone's talking about your vagina.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Health

Throwing acid is wrong… in some people’s eyes.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ … and I couldn’t help thinking, ‘she should move.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I walked up to the airport information desk and asked, “How many airports are in the world?”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

The American police have said they will never forget 9/11. Pretty hard to, I would think, considering it’s your phone number.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I did a sponsored walk once…. in the end, I’d managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Activities

I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man… but apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Things

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Sex

I worry about my nan; if she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Family Health

People with Tourette’s… what makes them tick?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Health Wordplay