Author: Joan Rivers Page 5

I love that black dress; that neckline is plunging faster than Aretha Franklin’s head into a bucket of fried chicken.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Fat Insults

At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Health Old Relationships

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Death Self

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
People Sex

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Family People Places

Elizabeth Taylor is wearing Orson Welles designer jeans.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Clothing Fat

Looking fifty is great – if you’re sixty.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’ … for me that would be a shroud.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Clothing

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Characteristics Self Sex

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, your husband, Edgar, is talking in his sleep. Should you be upset if he talks about his secretary?

Joan Rivers: And how… his secretary is a guy!

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

I have a million dollar figure… buts it’s all loose change.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Fat Insults

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex

Half of all marriage end in divorce – and then there are the unhappy ones.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Divorce Marriage

If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Marriage Sex

Til I was nine, my mother was still trying to get an abortion.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
People Self

Is she fat? … Her favorite food is seconds.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Eating Fat Food/Drink Insults

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Emotions Happiness Money

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body

She’s so fat she wears stretch kaftans.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Clothing Fat

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Husbands Marriage