Author: Joan Rivers Page 2

That baby is ugly…I’ve never seen a 6-month-old so desperately in need of waxing.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Insults

Til I was nine, my mother was still trying to get an abortion.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
People Self

You don’t need big boobs to be feminine… look at Liberace.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Insults

I’m so fat and I’m so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself – but the rope broke.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Fat

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations Sleep

I’ve been doing it [stealing from hotels] for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Old

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Body Doctors Old

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she’s shopping.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities Shopping

John Davidson: What state was originally divided into three sections?

Joan Rivers: Raymond Burr.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex

The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Health Sex

I try to be as nice to her as I possibly can, because one day I may need part of her liver.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Miscellaneous

All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance

I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Body Sex Situations

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Intelligence Men People Sex

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?

Joan Rivers: Yes. It’s daddy’s turn.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Fat

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Emotions Happiness Money

I take him to McDonald’s just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Food/Drink

The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Family

All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and woman on the bottom; for three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex