Author: Joan Rivers Page 5

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Body Doctors Old

I try to be as nice to her as I possibly can, because one day I may need part of her liver.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Miscellaneous

I’ve been doing it [stealing from hotels] for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Old

I now consider it a good day when I don’t step on my boobs.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Body Old

She’s so fat she wears stretch kaftans.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Clothing Fat

We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Death Ugly

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Government Military

Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can't dress.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing England Insults Places

She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Fat

I am so against [gay marriage] because all my gay friends are out and if they get married, it will cost a fortune in gifts.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Marriage

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Doctors Health

You don’t need big boobs to be feminine… look at Liberace.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Insults

Peter Marshall: Time Life Books calls it the most complex lump of matter known to man. What is it?

Joan Rivers: My eggs Benedict!

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Men Mistakes People Sex Women

You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Old

Last night I asked my husband, ‘What’s your favorite sexual position?’ and he said, ‘Next door.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex

The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Family

I said to my husband, ‘My boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs;’ he said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Old

Don't cook… don’t clean; no man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities Housework Sex

Is she fat? … Her favorite food is seconds.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Eating Fat Food/Drink Insults

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King Balshazar saw the handwriting on the wall, and later that night something unfortunate happened. What?

Joan Rivers: Yeah, well, he found out that Shirley’s number had been disconnected.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Hollywood Squares