Author: Phyllis Diller Page 3

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

My photographs don't do me justice… they just look like me.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance People Self

Do not taste food while you’re cooking… you may lose your nerve to eat it.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Cooking Eating Food/Drink

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix’ that's why he's never worked.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Husbands Marriage Work

I didn’t see it [old age] coming — it hit me from the rear.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Old

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Children Family Speech Young

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford… then I want to move in with them.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Family Situations Things

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Health Old Science/Weather

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty… but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Life

You want to look younger… rent smaller children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Children Young

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Places

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Baseball Children Money Sports Wealth

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Animals Death Dogs Marriage

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body Clothing Signs

By the time my friend was eighteen she had sown enough wild oats to make a grain deal with Russia.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
People Sex

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor… I was committed!

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Marriage

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Body Health Relationships

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Clothing Football Sports