Author: Steven Wright Page 14

I like the Stones; I can’t believe they’re still doing it afer all the years… Fred & Barney.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Fools Sports

Hermits have no peer pressure.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Children Communication Reading/Writing

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year, and I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Old Young

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know… granted, it takes longer.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Past Time

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Success

I bought some used paint… it was in the shape of a house.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program; I have to go door-to-door and tell everybody I'm somebody else.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs

My father was a small claims court jester.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Wordplay

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places World

I love defenseless animals… especially in good gravy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Food/Drink

I got an answering machine for my phone; now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

My neighbors don’t like it when I talk to my plants… I use a megaphone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Situations

I was in a book store and saw a French looking girl, she was bi-illterate… she couldn’t read in two languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

How can there be self-help groups?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay