Author: Stewart Francis Page 3

I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People

Some people say Birmingham looks great in the summer. I reckon it looks better in the rear view mirror.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Insults Places

I’m not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Sex

I was sitting in traffic the other day… and I got run over.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Marriage Relationships

Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Age Family Relationships

My mum walked in on me wanking and looking at her wedding pictures. "You perv!" she screamed at me.
It's not what you think, Mum… I was looking at the priest.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Sex

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Situations

I was a lighting technician, off and on.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Occupations Work

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Mothers Old

I was a trapeze artist…. but I was let go.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Problems Work

I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, you ****. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Communication Language

My piñata costume was a hit with the crowd

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I was raised by my father; my mother left before I was born.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents

Ways to Relieve Stress #10: Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Emotions Language

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Crime Situations

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

There are two types of people I hate… racists and Norwegians.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People