Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, insults, proverbs & much more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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Cats have nine lives… which makes them ideal for experimentation.
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
Joseph Wood Krutch
(1893 – 1970) American writer, critic & naturalist
Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you.
(1962 – ) American English professor & writer under pen name Eloisa James
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You
I just gave my cat a bath; now how do I get all this fur off my tongue?
(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
How are you supposed to be able to tell when cat food has gone bad?
(1964 – ) American
We’ve a cat called Ben Hur; we called it Ben till it had kittens.
Cat: A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
So, You’ve Got a Fat Pussy
A man who was loved by 300 women singled me out to live with him… Why? … I was the only one without a cat.
(1952 – ) comedian
To err is human; to purr, feline.
(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.
(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
You've never seen a cat have sex… nobody has; the Discovery Channel hasn't caught that.
American comedian & television host
Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
Oxford Union Society
Cat: A lap warmer with a built-in buzzer.
I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance.
(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind.
(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
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