Subject: Animals » Cats

I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.

(1821 – 1867) French poet, essayist & art critic

We’ve a cat called Ben Hur; we called it Ben till it had kittens.


There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You

I just gave my cat a bath; now how do I get all this fur off my tongue?

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats

A man who was loved by 300 women singled me out to live with him… Why? … I was the only one without a cat.

(1952 – ) comedian

Nature abhors a vacuum… but not as much as cats do.

As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Games You Can Play With Your Pussy

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster

The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

To err is human; to purr, feline.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

When I took office, only high energy physicists had ever heard of what is called the Worldwide Web…. Now even my cat has its own page.

You've never seen a cat have sex… nobody has; the Discovery Channel hasn't caught that.

American comedian & television host













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