Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
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Alfred E. Neuman
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I know I’m God because when I pray to him I find I’m talking to myself.
(1931 – 2004) English playwright & screenwriter
From “The Ruling Class”
An atheist is one who hopes the Lord will do nothing to disturb his disbelief.
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Sodom and Gomorrah
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
(1926 – ) film director, screenwriter, composer, comedian, actor & producer
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
(1920 – ) Hungarian writer
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God… contact lenses.
(1971 – ) British comedian
I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.
(1884 – 1966) French author
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, you only have to look at those to whom he gives it.
(1874 – 1945) English writer, translator & war correspondent
Agnostic: A person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree with him, he becomes angry.
The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer.
(1907 – 1989) American writer
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer
The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm.
It’s hard to believe that if there is a God, he would want people to stand in the street and shout like maniacs. I think He would choose better qualified people.
(1980 – ) English comedian & novelist
I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
The Bible declares that on the sixth day God created man; right then and there, God should have demanded a damage deposit.
(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.
(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
God will pardon me… it is His trade.
(1797 – 1856) German critic & poet
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
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