Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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I’m kind of jealous of the life I’m supposedly leading.
(1975 – ) actor, director, screenwriter & producer
Everything takes more time and money.
Here’s a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.
(1903 – 1968) movie actress
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Carl Sandburg (1878 – 1967) biographer & poet
Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.
(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.
(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering… and it’s all over much too soon.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Polygamy: An endeavour to get more out of life than there is in it.
(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher
Life: A sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
Paul 'Bear' Bryant
1913 – 1983) American college football coach
Attributed to many]
We’re all going down the same road in different directions.
Farber's Third Law
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
I’m no angel, but I’ve spread my wings a bit.
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.
Philip K. Dick
(1928 – 1982) American novelist, short story writer & essayist
Life is a long lesson in humility.
James M. Barrie
(1860 – 1937) Scottish author, dramatist (creator of Peter Pan)
Life is a gamble at terrible odds… if it was a bet you wouldn’t take it.
(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter
You can’t do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.
(1899 – 1995) humorist
To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
(1902 – 1983) American philosopher
Remember you are just an extra in everyone else’s play.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Life is uncertain… eat dessert first.
(1925 – ) American writer
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