Subject: Miscellaneous

If you lie down with dogs, you’ll get up with fleas.

If that boy had a good idea it would die of loneliness.

Well, slap my head and call me silly!

Southwest Airlines is like my period: it hurts my back and it’s always late.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian

If my dog was ugly as you, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

(1949 – ) comedy writer & humorist

This ain’t the first time I’ve brought chicken to a fish fry.

As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party

Queen Of My Double-Wide Trailer

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it’s some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!

(1949 – ) comedy writer & humorist

Make Me Late For Work Today

Efficiency: The knack of getting somebody to do a job you don’t like.

I went to the barber and got my ears lowered.

It's hotter than a pair of jumper cables at at redneck picnic.

Don’t judge someone until they have tossed your salad.

(1954 – ) American actor & singer

I’m as anxious as a one-eyed cat watching two rat holes.

I hope no one is allergic to nuts… because I like to rest mine on the table.

(1972 – ) Scottish comedian

He's so thin he had to stand twice in the same place to make a shadow.

This likker is just right; if it’d been any worse, I couldn’t have drunk it; if it’d been any better, you wouldn’t have give it to me.

I think there is more wisdom in a single drop of rain than there is in all the books in all the libraries of the world… wait, not rain– super-concentrated brain juice.

(1949 – ) comedy writer & humorist

The sun don't shine on the same dog's tail/behind all the time.

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