Subject: Relationships (Page 2)

I want a man who’s kind and understanding; is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress
Men Money People Relationships Wealth

I have a lifetime appointment and I intend to serve it; I expect to die at 110, shot by a jealous husband.

(1908 – 1993) U.S. Supreme Court justice
Death Relationships Situations

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating Health Sex

I had to go back to New York recently for a family reunion… I walk in there, I look at everyone, and I think: 'I'm getting my tubes tied; that's it; the tree ends here.'

American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor
Intelligence Relationships

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Relationships Self

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

American playwright, television writer & author
Emotions Relationships

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Dating Girlfriends People Relationships

She was another of his near Mrs.

Communication Language Marriage Relationships Wordplay

Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Age Family Relationships Sex

I’m in a relationship at the moment…sorry girls…it’s going to have to be your place.

Relationships

My girlfriend always laughs during sex… no matter what she’s reading.

(1955 –2011) business magnate, co-founder & CEO of Apple
Emotions Girlfriends Laughter Relationships Sex

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Relationships

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

(1907 – 1987) American journalist & author
Animals Relationships

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. … Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind…” Watch me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Dating Language Relationships

I have often depended on the blindness of strangers.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Relationships

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Family Proverbs Relationships

My grandfather avoided the Holocaust with his ability to hide, and by not being Jewish, and by living in Canada his entire life.

Canadian comedian & actor
Relationships Situations

If you talk about yourself, he’ll think you’re boring; if you talk about others, he’ll think you’re a gossip; if you talk about him, he’ll think you’re a brilliant conversationalist.

Communication Dating Intelligence Speech

Society honors its living conformists and its dead troublemakers.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
People Relationships

I just broke up with my girl friend, I caught her lying… under another man.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian
Relationships Sex

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Dating Relationships Things